A Curious Letter of Resignation

May 3, 2008

Dear People of St. John's,

The time has come for me to leave this community. Since 2003 we have formed an identity together and now we face the challenge of separating ourselves from each other.

I am leaving in order to take three months Sabbath and then (God and the Diocese willing) to return to interim ministry. This is an unusual choice, (more often rectors leave a parish in order to take a rectorship elsewhere). Because this is a move "outside the box" there will be uncertainty about the feelings around it. Should you be happy, angry, sad, philosophical? You may be all or none of these.

In the time I have been here you and I have learned to share responsibility for this wonderful church. I believe this skill will stand us both in good stead in the years to come. Further, your dedication to the worship offered to God in this place has sustained me and it will sustain your next rector. But please know that one of life's great lessons for me has been to learn that sometimes it is just time to leave.

We have worked hard during the past years and together we have increased St John's impact on Union City. You have demonstrated the kind of courage and imagination that only an urban parish can achieve.

St. John's is important to you and your city. Be proud.

Now, during this time of change, I have hope for you and hope for me. I know that God will be faithful and provide more than we can ask or imagine.

With love,

Pachomius

Yesterday was the feast day of St. Pachomius. He was an eminent Desert Father, one of those who fled to the desert in Egypt in the 3rd and 4th century to live as hermits.

He was the first to organize hermits into living in community under the direction of an abbot. He "invented" cenobitic monasticism.

There is a story told of him in The Sayings of the Desert Fathers.

Another desert father, Marcarius, heard of the discipline practiced at his monastery and decided to investigate. He disguised himself as a laborer and he applied for admission.

Pachomius admitted him on probation. 'You are an old man and not used to our discipline. If it should be too hard for you, you would leave us and speak ill of us."

Little did he know.

It was the beginning of Lent. Marcarius noted one brother had decided to go without sleeping all Lent. Another had decided to fast all Lent. A third had decided that he was going to stand up all Lent weaving baskets.

Marcarius decided he would combine all these disciplines at once. He was going to spend all Lent without sleeping, without eating (except for a few cabbage leaves on Sunday) standing in a corner weaving baskets.

The brothers went to Pachomius seething: Who was this man 'without flesh' who could spend all Lent without sleeping or eating standing in a corner weaving baskets! They issued their abbot an ultimatum: either he leaves at once or they were leaving--TODAY.

Pachomius retired to meditate on this troublesome newcomer and in his meditation the identity of this visitor was revealed to him.

He summoned Marcarius to his oratory and confronted him. Marcarius admitted his true identity and Pachomius scolded him gently for coming in disguise. "I have long wanted to meet and speak with you" He said. Then he thanked him for teaching his 'youngsters' a lesson in humility, and sent him home and begged him to "pray for us".

Marcarius is a mystery to me. Why did he do that? Was he motivated by competition? Was he trying to out-compete these monks in devotions? It doesn't matter, Marcarius is a side-show. The greater wonder is Pachomius, who never lost his peace in the midst of the uproar, did not act impetuously or in anger. He is the greater mystery.

Notorious H.R.G. (From Joe.My.God)

From Joe.My.God. Hillary rap video, and well worth a smile. Oh, The Hillary cackle!

An Impromptu Gathering of the Exiles

Monday I trekked into the East Village, to 25 Avenue B a place called Rehab, formerly Midway. There in the basement theatre was a reading of the play Henry IV by Luigi Pirandello. It's set in the present day, about a man who for some reason thinks he is Henry IV, King of Bavaria and Holy Roman Emperor. Henry IV lived about a thousand years ago.

There was no program and no real introduction of the actors due to Equity rules. So I took a picture of the bare stage so nobody could get in trouble.

There were 9 people on the stage and 7 in the audience.

And curiously enough, several people from church. There was Monica who comes to church infrequently, Kevin, who comes to church occasionally, and Bill and Felix who no longer come at all. And me. I come to church frequently, but more or less under protest.

I did not want to bring up the subject of church. I forget if I did or Bill did. I told Bill about the rector interfering in our work day and not letting our man go up the ladder to change a spot light. Bill said he used to do that.

Bill complained at the injustice to Felix, the former Senior Warden. He got no argument from me.

Kevin and I had dinner at a restaurant on 2nd Avenue, then I put him in a cab to Port Authority (maybe I hailed it a little too soon, he had to snuff out his cigarette before entering. We were standing talking on the corner of 9th Street.)

Then I walked across town to 6th Avenue to catch the PATH.

Secrets

When the Senior Warden called and said he had something serious to tell me, I felt my stomach plunge and thought I had done something for which I was to be taken to task.

Or punished. Deprived of office. Scolded.

Although to be honest, that's not his style. (Denise is the enforcer, not him.)

Then he told me something that was NOT TO BE DISCUSSED.

A secret. So I have been walking about since last evening with a secret, and it's not clear, aside from Him, who it can be discussed with.

Secrets are burdensome, like a millstone tied to your neck. They suck your energy. And all I can do is wait for the what is hidden to be made clear.

St George's Day

Yesterday was St. George's Day. St. George is the patron saint of England. He was a 3rd century martyr. His legend says he was born in what is modern-day Israel and served as a roman soldier. Rather than participate in the persecution of Christians, he confessed his faith and suffered horrible tortures before he was beheaded.

During the crusades, an apparition of St. George encouraged the Christians at the siege of Antioch. The city ultimately fell to the Christians. Richard the 1st (the Lion-Hearted) proclaimed him the patron saint of England. Edward the III made him patron of the Order of the Garter, which he founded.

In fact, there is no evidence that St. George ever existed. His name did not appear in any contemporary list of martyrs. The legends of him slaying the dragon date from the 15th Century.

This picture is of the clock at the historic Lowes Theatre which faces Journal Square in Jersey City. When it was working, the clock bell would strike the hour, then St. George would emerge and slay the dragon. The Lowe's was one of 5 movie palaces constructed by the movie chain in the 1920's. It was saved from demolition in the 1980's and restored by volunteer labor. Today it is owned by the City and is used as a venue for children's programs and to screen classic films.

Should you ever visit Jersey City or the Lowe's, please note the local pronunciation. Lowe's is pronounced as two syllables with the accent on the second: Lo-WEEZ.

I am Felix (1)

It was about a year ago, more or less at this time that my relationship with the Rector began to go off the rails. Things had been happening for some time, a year at least--odd things, little things, ultimately disturbing things, but it was about a year ago that disparate events began to coalesce in my mind's eye and I began to perceive patterns that had escaped me before. It was about a year ago that things came to the point where I could not ignore or deny or explain away certain actions she undertook, nor could she provide me adequate explanations of her actions, and as a result, engendered a crisis of confidence that continues to this date. It started with little things and grew to bigger things.

In September of 2006 Felix left the church. Felix had been senior warden from the departure of the previous Rector through the first few years of the present Rector's tenure. The last few months I saw him coming to church moody and silent. He would do his duties (he was a lector) perfunctorily. In September of 2006 we had an art show, and he exhibited several paintings. It was reported (I did not hear the remarks) that he was saying critical things about the church to some attendees at the opening. The Rector (and Denise, her confident/enforcer) were indignant, and it was apparent that Felix was in for a stern talking-to.

That was the end of Felix and his partner Bill. Bill who used to decorate the church every advent. Never seen since.

That was the same year Dominic imploded. Dominic, who ran a well-known aids ministry at the church. I think that was before the Felix matter. It may have been in the spring. Dominic left the church with a lot of heat and anger. We never heard from him again, except from his partner Bob. He abandoned the clients who could not attend his location in Newark NJ.

That also was the year of the votive candle matter. There was an elderly and very devout hispanic woman who would light all the candles on the votive stand. This irritated the Rector and she stopped putting candles out on the votive stand.

Votive stand with few or no candles.

Quite frankly, it irritated me too, since I would come to church and all the candles were alight. But I could always come to church earlier. If I got there first, I could light my single candle, and she coming later could light all the rest.

When the rector confessed to me her pique at this lady lighting all the candles, I made several suggestions (i.e., sell the candles like other churches do) the Rector dismissed my suggestions. Not that she had any opposition to selling candles, she just said dismissively that it wouldn't work. The lady would just take all the candles she needed and maybe not pay for them.

So she stopped replenishing them.

But the candles were donated. Bill (Felix's partner) worked at Ikea and he would pick us up a bag of 100 tea lights as needed.

I still don't understand this. Why is the Rector in such a snit over the waste of donated tea lights? And why is she maintaining the votive stand anyway, is there nobody else who does stuff around here?

And I couldn't understand her solution, to stop putting out candles. It seemed to be an act of cruelty to a harmless (if overly devout) old woman.

So I began to flood the rector with tea lights. Every place I went where they were on sale, I would buy some. So every week or two I would present the Rector with another bag of 100 tea lights, until she probably had an inventory of 700 or 800 tea lights. At which point she asked me not be buy anymore.

I would refill the votive stand every Sunday morning, but by then it was too late. The lady was no longer coming to church. I dont know if she was sick, if she moved, or if something untoward was said to her and she left. She's no longer here.

I still don't understand it.

But the votive candle matter was like comic relief between other affairs. There was Robert.

I am Felix (2)

Robert started a ministry for gay teens. Older teens, to early twenties. I think Robert was 22 or 23 himself. He was a member of the church and the ministry he founded met in the church. Then Timmy came along. Timmy was 16 or 17 and he developed a crush on Robert. Robert evidently asked Rector for advice and she told him not to see the man. In her version of the story, Robert disregarded her advice.

During Fleet week, Robert called Denise, the Rector's confident/enforcer. He called her on his mobile phone, he was in New York touring the Navy ships on fleet week. Denise heard a voice in the back ground and demanded to know who was with him. Well, there was Ron (a singer/actor) and Timmy. The three of them were touring the ships.

Denise reported the matter to the Rector and as a result, Robert and his youth group were banned from the grounds of the parish.

I thought the action hasty. I thought there was insufficient proof. But she ignored my protests. Her mind was made up.

That was two years ago. Robert and his youth group still meet. They're meeting at a Lutheran church in Jersey City now. Timmy, I guess, has moved on.

I would think that any one who is a Rector would encounter situations where someone she ministers to might develop an affection which would be inappropriate to her position or her status as a married person. These are things any group leader or public person must deal with. I could not understand why she could not have dealt with Robert with more patience and compassion in what was a predictable situation. A situation she (no doubt) has had to deal with herself.

The rector has been here 4 years now. The church is stagnant, the liturgy stale. The budget is in deficit (the third in 3 years) and each deficit has been larger than the last. At this rate we will run through all our reserves in about 2 years.

And the rector speaks of me, now, as the new Felix.

I guess the honeymoon is over.

The Vestry Meeting (1)

When the subject of the Vestry Retreat came round to it's appointed turn on the agenda, nobody thought that last's years retreat was a futility not to be repeated at all costs.

“Nobody” in this instance is used in the spirit of that 18th century wit who defined “Nobody” as “Everybody in England except about 200”.

So in this matter, “Nobody” is defined in that spirit as everybody who attended that event except the Rector.

So permit me to repeat so you get the flavor of it right:

When the subject of the Vestry Retreat came round to it's appointed turn on the agenda, nobody thought that last's years retreat was a futility not to be repeated at all costs.

Furthermore it could be said in the same spirit that Nobody thought the goals arrived at that meeting were so insubstantial as to be beyond recall, or so nebulous as to be impervious to translation into specific acts and programs. Nobody. Nobody thought last year's vestry retreat was a bore and a waste of time.

So it was incongruous that the rector would suggest the retreat be more spiritual this year and imputed that suggestion as coming from the Senior Warden.

Ross, the Senior Warden (New this year) I think was surprised that the rector would impute the suggestion to him.

She suggested that we be more spiritually focused this year but somehow work in the goals from last year's meeting which (she admitted) we had failed to implement. The Rev. Holland of Grace Church had offered the hospitality of his church and his own services as retreat leader.

So it was incongruous that James would say that if if we were going to be “spiritual” he would prefer not to attend.

James who is very goal oriented and apparently fasts from things that are “spiritual”

James who attended the vestry retreat last year.

Rich, a veteran of many vestries but new on board this year, suggested we respect individuality of each member's own spiritual paths. He suggested something more 'humanistic'. I think.

Rich is the only one who has the gravitas to countermand everybody else. He looks the role (and I do not mean
it unkindly) of The Great White Father. He commands deference. He is Agamemnon to James' Odysseus.

So the rector, blocked but not defeated, noted I was biting my lip and called on me.

I said some kind of hybrid spiritual/goal oriented formant would not work and suggested we do a 'management retreat'. Goal-oriented problem solving.

I said 'goal oriented' but not 'problem solving' since to say 'problem solving' would mean that somebody would have to admit that there were problems, which has never occurred in 4 years.

This engendered a dilemma, since the rector apparently knows lots of people who can be called upon to offer spiritual services (for free) and nobody at all who can be called upon to offer management advice or goal setting for free.

The vestry meeting (2)

So we adjourned having set a date for a retreat but not it's content or who would lead it.

Reflecting later, I found myself comparing the dynamic to a game of badminton, a game I never played except rarely as a child. I think of badminton as a very dainty game, so unlike tennis where you can blast the ball at your opponent. Ping, the shuttlecock goes over the net, ping, it returns. ping, ping ping, it daintily bounces from one to another back and forth over the net. Badminton is a combination of tennis and volleyball without the testosterone. (Of course I am speaking only of the game as played by a children with no regard for the rules. I am not speaking of Badminton as played professionally).

So it was ping! Rector serves to Ross; ping, Ross to James, ping! ping! James to Rich to Rector again, ping! Rector to me, ping! me to James, or anybody. Did I fault? God forbid!

A dainty game belying strong feelings.

You might think it was a game of hot potato and wonder why I did not use that metaphor. That would mean somebody would have to admit the potato is hot. That could not be done.